My name is Kim Jong-Il, but my friends call me Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my country was on the verge of civil war and international debt collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was about to be overthrown and my international sponsor had stopped writing me checks. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my computer and my modem. I longed to turn my advocation into my vocation. This January 1989 I crushed my enemies AND I went on a ten day cruise to the tropics. I bought a fleet of submarines for CASH in Feburary 1989.
I am currently rebuilding the Presidental Mansion, with a private pool, boat slip, and a beautiful view of the bay from my breakfast room table and patio. I will never have worry about foreign intervention again. Today I am rich!!! I have earned the respect of all my neighbors and will become regional hegemon within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This country-building program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to cow my neighbors into submission whenever I wanted. Best of all you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or post office.
In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could make nuclear weapons whenever I wanted. I was naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's funny though, when you are desperate, backed into a corner, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustating day calling international aid organizations looking for a bailout. The pickings were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my computer and calling several bulletin boards. I read several of the message posts and than glanced at the letter next to the computer. All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams. I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance this formula into the most unbelievable military might generator that has ever been created. I substituted the computer bulletin boards in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards throughout the world. If you believe that someday your country deserves that lucky break that you have waited for all your life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your dreams will come true.
Your pal Jong-Il (aka Dave Rhodes)
Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have received well over 50 atomic bombs, all yours. This program has remained successful because of the HONESTY and INTEGRETY of the participants. Please continue its success by carefully ADHERING TO THE INSTRUCTIONS.
- IMMEDIATELY mail one ounce of U-235 to the first 5 (five) names listed below starting at number 1 through number 5. Send pure U-235 only please (total investment less than a third of a pound!). Enclose a note with each letter stating: "Please add my name to your mailing list."
- REMOVE the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1 and number 3 will become number 2, etc.) Place your name, address and zip code in the number 10 position.
- Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into 10 (Ten) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file section. Call the file, MAKE.NUKES.FAST.
- Within 60 days you will receive over 3,000 pounds of U-235. Keep a copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again whenever you need fissile material. Using instructions easily found on the internet, start building your devices!
Remember as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation with one ounce of enriched uranium. Your name will move up the list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number five position you will be receiving hundreds of pounds of radioactive material!
The following letters were written by participating members in this program.
To Whom It May Concern:
About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I ignored it. I received about five more of the same letter within the next two weeks. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to follow through and dreamed of building bombs, but I was convinced it was just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a local bulletin board in Montreal. I liked the idea of giving it a try with my computer. I didn't expect much because I figured, if other people were as skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick to part with U-235. I addressed the envelopes and mailed out the uranium as directed. Two weeks went by and I didn't recieve anything in the mail. The fourth week rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened! I can't say I received 5 bombs, but it was enough marterial for a very impressive underground test. For the first time in ten years, my neighbor stopped his sabre-rattling. It was great. Of course, it didn't take me long to go through the rest of the uranium so I am using this excellent opportunity once again. Follow the instructions and get ready to enjoy.
Please send a copy of this letter along with the enclosed letter so together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really works!
This is a great program! Where was it when I needed something like this!
[undisclosed location], Saudi Arabia
This system works equally well if mailed out manually. Mind you it takes more effort to hand address the envelopes and the cost goes up proportionately to cover the postage and envelopes. You must also photo copy the instructions, cross out the name in number one position, write in your name in the number ten slot and change the rest of the numbers accordingly. (It might be neater to use white out or paste over the names.) In order to achieve the same results you must send out the uranium to the first five names and then send out another 100 letters with copies of the program enclosed. It has been suggested not to put a return address on the outside of the envelope in order to encourage the recipient to open it. The return will approximate that then received from the posts listed on the bulletin boards.
Author's Note: This is a parody of the infamous MAKE.MONEY.FAST email chain letter. The dates listed have nothing to do with reality. It goes without saying that these kinds of chain letters are illegal and propagation of them will land you in federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison, so don't do it.