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Welcome, Deadspin readers!

Back by popular demand:

Offense:

• QB: John David Booty, Minnesota. Who’s going to be the first over-eager play-by-play guy to describe a scrambling Booty: and Booty shakes his bootie…
• RB: Tashard Choice, Dallas. This was a tough choice. Some excellent names in the RB category (and in the CB category, too, but that’s not what’s we’re talking about right now).
• RB: Xavier Omon, Buffalo. The first of two Xaviers on this list.
• WR: Early Doucet, Arizona. Let’s hope for the sake of Buzzsaw fans that he doesn’t leave the NFL early.
• WR: Limas Sweed, Pittsburgh. Berman’s gonna call him “Limas ‘Bean’ Sweed”.
• TE: Martellus Bennett, Dallas. Rhymes with Marcellus Wallace. Hopefully comes without the band-aid on the back of the head.
• OT: Gosder Cherilus, Detroit. Maybe GM will come out with the Chevy Cherilus.
• OT: Breno Giacomini, Green Bay. Giacomo Puccini was blindsided by the illness that eventually killed him. Green Bay just wants Giacomini to protect the blindside.
• OG: Oniel Cousins, Baltimore. He’s a family man.
• OG: Mackenzy Bernadeau, Carolina. That names looks like it wouldn’t be out of place on the back of a NHL sweater.
• C: Kory Lichtensteiger, Denver. His parents got naming advice from Roger Clemens.

Defense:

• DT: Kentwan Balmer, San Francisco. Kentwan, you will be Qui-jon’s new padewan.
• DT: Letroy Guion, Minnesota. A guion is a subatomic particle. And if it’s not, it should be.
• DE: Vernon Gholston, NY Jets. Can’t stop thinking about Fhloston Paradise.
• DE: Andrew Studebaker, Philadelphia. I really hope he’s into classic cars.
• MLB: Beau Bell, Cleveland. Two voiced bilabial plosives in a row! How can the announcers go wrong here?
• OLB: Jerod Mayo, New England. You already know what they’re going to say when a blocker grabs a handful of his jersey and gets flagged for it.
• OLB: Xavier Adibi, Houston. The other Xavier. I wonder if they pronounce their name “EX-avier” or “Zavier”?
• CB: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Arizona. In the off-season he relaxes by playing polo at his 4,000 acre estate in Scotland.
• CB: Reggie Corner, Buffalo. Talk about a man born to do the job.
• S: Caleb Campbell, Detroit. Two voiceless velar plosives in a row! How can the announcers go… well, you know that somone’s gonna screw it up.
• S: Haruki Nakamura, Baltimore. Celebrates each interception with an improvised haiku: A fluttering ball/strong hands pluck it from the air/returned all the way

Related: the 2003 team, the 2006 team, and the 2007 team.

Well,this and the USC game, too.

Yesterday in college football, the last weekend of the regular college season the following occurred:

• The #1 team in the nation was an underdog to the #9 team…. and went out and got trampled.
• The #2 team in the nation was a four-touchdown favorite to an unranked team with a losing record… and went out and lost, despite some very favorable officiating.

I’m not sure when the last time the #1 and #2 ranked teams in college football lost on the same weekend, if ever, but that leaves us with the following situation:

• #3 Ohio State will end up in the National Championship game.
• It would make sense that the other team in that game would be the #4 team, which is Georgia, but… Georgia didn’t even win their conference.
• Which leaves us with #5 Kansas… who not only didn’t win their conference, but managed to lose to #1 Missouri, who, as mentioned above, lost last night.
• And then there’s #6 Virginia Tech, who actually did win their conference, but have been underwhelming all year.

Other teams with legitimate arguments for playing in the national championship game:

• #7 LSU—SEC champions, but they did lose last week to an unranked Arkansas team.
• #8 USC—PAC-10 champions. One of the hottest teams in the nation. Too bad about losing to Stanford.
• #9 Oklahoma. Hey, they did just bump off the #1 team in college football…
• And then there’s the long shot #12 Hawaii. They are the only undefeated team in major college football, and they have a QB who threw for 4,174 yards and 38 touchdowns on the year. When you consider that he basically only played in 10 games, that’s 417 yards per game and almost four TD passes per game. They have, admittedly, played a soft schedule, but there’s nothing they can do about that.

And if you thought the weekend in football couldn’t get any stranger, this afternoon features a game where the 0-11 Dolphins are favored to beat the 2-9 Jets. Not to mention the fact that the Monday night game features the largest point spread in NFL history….

The classic pool hustler is no more. Like so much of small-town America, the hustler has fallen prey to the ever-widening global village…

NBC’s flex game
passes up Skins-Cowboys
forty-six point rout

The starting fullback for the Harvard Crimson wants to sing opera when his football career is over.

Why not? (so long as he doesn’t injure himself…)

These are the various starting quarterbacks my fantasy team has started this season (the league allows for two starting QBs per week):

• Jake Delhomme—out for the season with an injury to his throwing elbow
• Trent Green—out for the season with a concussion
• Kurt Warner—playing, but with torn ligaments in his non-throwing elbow
• Byron Leftwich—out for three to four weeks after an injury to and subsequent surgery on his right ankle
• Kelly Holcomb—out for at least a week with a whiplash-like neck injury
• Quinn Gray—miraculously not injured yet

I know football’s a tough sport, but this is headed towards complete absurdity.

His top nine things we’ve learned from the 2007 playoffs, including

God is busy. Those who continue to ascribe “meaning” to the Rockies’ late-season run, quoting general manager Dan O’Dowd’s long-since-backed-away-from comments about Colorado being “God’s team,” can rest assured: any and all celestial beings are too occupied with matters of stem cells and Iowa primaries to bother with the baseball playoffs. This is ultimately a good thing; a trip to the ballpark is expensive enough without having to tithe.