Welcome, Deadspin readers!
Back by popular demand:
Offense:
- QB: John David Booty, Minnesota. Who’s going to be the first over-eager play-by-play guy to describe a scrambling Booty: and Booty shakes his bootie…
- RB: Tashard Choice, Dallas. This was a tough choice. Some excellent names in the RB category (and in the CB category, too, but that’s not what’s we’re talking about right now).
- RB: Xavier Omon, Buffalo. The first of two Xaviers on this list.
- WR: Early Doucet, Arizona. Let’s hope for the sake of Buzzsaw fans that he doesn’t leave the NFL early.
- WR: Limas Sweed, Pittsburgh. Berman’s gonna call him “Limas ‘Bean’ Sweed”.
- TE: Martellus Bennett, Dallas. Rhymes with Marcellus Wallace. Hopefully comes without the band-aid on the back of the head.
- OT: Gosder Cherilus, Detroit. Maybe GM will come out with the Chevy Cherilus.
- OT: Breno Giacomini, Green Bay. Giacomo Puccini was blindsided by the illness that eventually killed him. Green Bay just wants Giacomini to protect the blindside.
- OG: Oniel Cousins, Baltimore. He’s a family man.
- OG: Mackenzy Bernadeau, Carolina. That names looks like it wouldn’t be out of place on the back of a NHL sweater.
- C: Kory Lichtensteiger, Denver. His parents got naming advice from Roger Clemens.
Defense:
- DT: Kentwan Balmer, San Francisco. Kentwan, you will be Qui-jon’s new padewan.
- DT: Letroy Guion, Minnesota. A guion is a subatomic particle. And if it’s not, it should be.
- DE: Vernon Gholston, NY Jets. Can’t stop thinking about Fhloston Paradise.
- DE: Andrew Studebaker, Philadelphia. I really hope he’s into classic cars.
- MLB: Beau Bell, Cleveland. Two voiced bilabial plosives in a row! How can the announcers go wrong here?
- OLB: Jerod Mayo, New England. You already know what they’re going to say when a blocker grabs a handful of his jersey and gets flagged for it.
- OLB: Xavier Adibi, Houston. The other Xavier. I wonder if they pronounce their name “EX-avier” or “Zavier”?
- CB: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Arizona. In the off-season he relaxes by playing polo at his 4,000 acre estate in Scotland.
- CB: Reggie Corner, Buffalo. Talk about a man born to do the job.
- S: Caleb Campbell, Detroit. Two voiceless velar plosives in a row! How can the announcers go… well, you know that somone’s gonna screw it up.
- S: Haruki Nakamura, Baltimore. Celebrates each interception with an improvised haiku: A fluttering ball/strong hands pluck it from the air/returned all the way
Reminds me of the same segment on the radio by Norm Hitzges
Hahaha much appreciate the voice/voiceless bilabial jargon...brings back not so fond memories of trying to pretend what it would like to be Asian.
What about Tampa Bay's Aqib Talib? Does it really rhyme? Or am I just mis-pronouncing it?
i would like to second the kudos on getting the linguistic terminology right about describing the [b]s in Beau Bell. somebody paid attention in LING 101.