Welcome, Deadspin readers!
Back by popular demand:
- QB: John David Booty, Minnesota. Who’s going to be the first over-eager play-by-play guy to describe a scrambling Booty: and Booty shakes his bootie
- RB: Tashard Choice, Dallas. This was a tough choice. Some excellent names in the RB category (and in the CB category, too, but that’s not what’s we’re talking about right now).
- RB: Xavier Omon, Buffalo. The first of two Xaviers on this list.
- WR: Early Doucet, Arizona. Let’s hope for the sake of Buzzsaw fans that he doesn’t leave the NFL early.
- WR: Limas Sweed, Pittsburgh. Berman’s gonna call him “Limas ‘Bean’ Sweed”.
- TE: Martellus Bennett, Dallas. Rhymes with Marcellus Wallace. Hopefully comes without the band-aid on the back of the head.
- OT: Gosder Cherilus, Detroit. Maybe GM will come out with the Chevy Cherilus.
- OT: Breno Giacomini, Green Bay. Giacomo Puccini was blindsided by the illness that eventually killed him. Green Bay just wants Giacomini to protect the blindside.
- OG: Oniel Cousins, Baltimore. He’s a family man.
- OG: Mackenzy Bernadeau, Carolina. That names looks like it wouldn’t be out of place on the back of a NHL sweater.
- C: Kory Lichtensteiger, Denver. His parents got naming advice from Roger Clemens.
- DT: Kentwan Balmer, San Francisco. Kentwan, you will be Qui-jon’s new padewan.
- DT: Letroy Guion, Minnesota. A guion is a subatomic particle. And if it’s not, it should be.
- DE: Vernon Gholston, NY Jets. Can’t stop thinking about Fhloston Paradise.
- DE: Andrew Studebaker, Philadelphia. I really hope he’s into classic cars.
- MLB: Beau Bell, Cleveland. Two voiced bilabial plosives in a row! How can the announcers go wrong here?
- OLB: Jerod Mayo, New England. You already know what they’re going to say when a blocker grabs a handful of his jersey and gets flagged for it.
- OLB: Xavier Adibi, Houston. The other Xavier. I wonder if they pronounce their name “EX-avier” or “Zavier”?
- CB: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Arizona. In the off-season he relaxes by playing polo at his 4,000 acre estate in Scotland.
- CB: Reggie Corner, Buffalo. Talk about a man born to do the job.
- S: Caleb Campbell, Detroit. Two voiceless velar plosives in a row! How can the announcers go well, you know that somone’s gonna screw it up.
- S: Haruki Nakamura, Baltimore. Celebrates each interception with an improvised haiku: A fluttering ball/strong hands pluck it from the air/returned all the way