Without further ado, the 2007 pf.org All-Name NFL Draft Team:
QB: Isaiah Stanback, Washington, Cowboys. And he shall prophesy many touchdowns for the boys of cow.
RB: Ahmad Bradshaw, Marshall, Giants. If you’ve ever wondered what the love child of two former professional football players-turned-broadcasters would be named…
FB: Orenthal O’Neal, Arkansas State, Raiders. Last time there was a RB in the league named Orenthal, he did OK for himself.
WR: Legedu Naanee, Boise State, Chargers.
WR: Chansi Stucky, Clemson, Jets.
TE: Dante Rosario, Oregon, Panthers. Good at running underneath routes, though it helps if a guy named Virgil points the way.
OL: Tony Ugoh, Arkansas, Colts.
OL: Jermon Bushrod, Townson, Saints.
OL: Mike Otto, Purdue, Titans. Should be issued number 00 on principle alone.
OL: Mansfield Wrotto, Georgia Tech, Seahawks.
OC: Samson Satele, Hawaii, Dolphins. Will not cut his hair, apparently for good reason.
DT: Turk McBride, Tennessee, Chiefs.
DT: Tank Tyler, NC State, Chiefs. Any defensive line with a Turk and a Tank on it has to be good.
DE: CJ Ah You, Oklahoma, Bills. I know nothing about this guy, but I love his name.
DE: Ikaika Alma-Francis, Hawaii, Lions. There need to be more hyphenated last names in the league.
ILB: Desmond Bishop, California, Packers. Not to be confused with Bishop Desmond Tutu.
OLB: Dallas Sartz, USC, Redskins. How can a guy named “Dallas” possibly play for the Redskins?
OLB: Rufus Alexander, Oklahoma, Vikings. Like hyphenated last names, the league needs more guys named “Rufus”.
CB: Usama Young, Kent, Saints. For his sake, I hope that the search for OBL won’t suddenly refocus on New Orleans.
CB: William Gay, Louisville, Steelers. And now you’ll be able to buy that NFL jersey with “Gay” on the back, just like you’ve always wanted.
S: Eric Frampton, Washington State, Raiders. Eric celebrates interceptions by playing “Do You Feel Like We Do” and returns for touchdowns with “Baby, I Love Your Way.” In addition, play-by-play announcers are now required to announce big hits by saying “Frampton comes alive!”
S: Sabby Piscitelli, Oregon State, Buccaneers. Not to be confused with retired Argentinian tennis player Gabby Sabatini.
RS: Syndric Steptoe, Arizona, Browns.
The draft also featured Manny Ramirez, Keith Jackson, Eric Wright, and Tony Gonzalez. It’s still unclear how Ramirez will handle playing left field during a pennant race and offensive line for the Lions at the same time, while Keith Jackson will not only announce Gatorade commercials but will star in them as well. Former Pro Bowl corner Eric Wright not only un-retired after not having played in the NFL for 17 years, but actually re-entered the draft instead of going through free agency; as for Tony Gonzalez, it’s going to be interesting to see him play TE for the Chiefs and WR for the Colts at the same time.
(Actually, Keith Jackson is, in real life, the son of former Eagles TE Keith Jackson, no relation to the broadcaster. And I can’t be the only guy out there who thought that the Chiefs should have drafted Anthony Gonzalez, eh?)
Tragically, Cal QB Joe Ayoob went undrafted.