Horrorscope

Cancer: If you’re still wondering why others have been so impossible over the past few days, it’s worth looking heavenward into that mirror you have mounted on the ceiling. Between last Friday’s full moon, the current tricky planetary activity, and the fact that you’ve been a real asshole, nobody’s in a particularly co-operative mood. It’s best to sit back, be patient, and buy some flowers for the receptionist to ward off that lawsuit.

Leo: You may have tried to steer clear of recent clashes, you passive-aggressive piece of shit, but there is probably no way out. In the long run, it’s better to be involved. At least if you’re in on the discussions, you can prevent people making decisions they’d later regret. Plus, it’ll be a nice change to take credit for something you were actually involved in.

Virgo: The time has come for you to delve into complex issues. As a Virgo, you usually tackle things the minute they arrive, because your organizational skills are like those of a marmot hopped up on crystal meth. These issues have created problems you’ve been at a loss to solve, so maybe you should learn how to use that Palm Pilot your parents bought you. It’s vital that you don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment, though let’s face it—when have you ever not let your emotions cloud your judgment? Get thee to some lithium. Or something, you bipolar freak.

Libra: By the time the week is over, you’ll have made some important decisions about essential elements in your life. While these may not seem urgent now, by midweek, you will need to make a stand: boxers or briefs?

Scorpio: As a Scorpio, the last thing you’d ever think of is arguing when you’re unsure of your facts; this is because you have no fucking imagination and can’t think for yourself. But some others are not concerned with such details. On the contrary, they seem to be happy to wade in shamelessly with fatuous opinions and few ideas. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you’re right for a change.

Sagittarius: Unexpected demands have landed in your lap. Between now and the week’s close you will need to deal with them. Review exactly what your obligations are then put specific plans into place. That means sell the third-world orphans on eBay before Child Services figures out where they are.

Capricorn: Knowing how you feel about certain matters is one thing, getting the point across to others is something else again. It is your fault that showing up at that supermodel’s house in the middle of the night—even after the restraining order—was taken the wrong way? Well, actually, yes. Because you haven’t paved the way in previous exchanges, you’ll probably have a lot of explaining to do this week to the judge. Creep.

Aquarius: This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! For ages you’ve been concerned about issues with people very close to you. But either they’ve been distracted by obligations or they’ve been in no mood to talk. Being in a coma will do that to you. Now, as the communication planet Mercury moves into the partnership angle of your chart, those obstacles of discussion will vanish. Be prepared for a verbal butt-reaming when your sister wakes up and finds out that you torched her house for the insurance money.

Pisces: Even the most down-to-earth of Pisceans are still idealists at heart. For this reason, you’re likely to take certain reversals personally, particularly because they involve plans you worked hard to create. While disappointing, you’ll soon realize that you can still go to the prom by yourself.

Aries: Certain people seem to be unable to stop focusing on problems. You view their concerns as nothing but their imaginations working overtime. That’s because you’ve a fucking oblivious moron. Your head’s so far up your ass it’s coming back out the other side. By Thursday’s encounter between the sun and Saturn, however, you’ll not only discover that they were right, you’ll have to do something about the fact that they successfully blamed you for those problems and got you fired. Maybe you were the problem.

Taurus: You’re probably still trying to figure out what was behind recent emotional exchanges. It’s worth keeping in mind that, whatever the actual issues in question might have been, the unsettling influence of last Friday’s full moon would have resulted in everybody being easily provoked. Plus the fact that your PMS turned you into a stroppy cow from hell.

Gemini: Nobody’s better at addressing the tough issues than a Gemini. That’s because you’re of two minds about everything. Yet even you’ve been defeated by the refusal of one individual to discuss sensitive problems. You could try again, but that wouldn’t work because you’re a fucking insensitive clod. You’re probably better off waiting until this weekend’s encounter between that redheaded bartender you’ve been flirting with and the volatile bitch you call a girlfriend does the job for you. Ladbrookes has 3:2 on the girlfriend, by the way.

Horoscope based on today’s newspaper horoscopes by Shelley von Strunckel, who has a faintly embarrassing Y2K problem on her main page: it seems to think that today is July 5, 104.