Well, I have to admit that the Oscars didn't suck, or at least they didn't suck too badly.

They were, however, waaaaay too long.

My advice is:

• Fewer commercials.
• Fewer honorary Oscars (they gave out THREE, for gosh's sakes).
• Better material for Whoopi.
• What was with Donald Sutherland and Glenn Close being "The Voice of The Oscars"? Isn't that why you have a host?

The Oscar for Most Spectacular Acceptance Speech goes to Halle Berry, who just might have won a Lifetime Achivement award last night.

The Oscar for Best I Don't Give A Damn Anymore Speech goes to Randy Newman, who, after winning for the first time in 16 nominations, said "You're not going to cut me off in 4 seconds" while looking right at John Williams and later added "I see a lot of musicians who've worked for me before... and might not work for me again" as the cameras showed an orchestra that was dutifully not getting ready to play.

The Oscar for Rambling goes to Woody Allen, who started strong but eventually ran out of steam, ideas, and organization.

The Oscar for Best/Worst idea goes to whoever thought about hiring the Cirque du Soleil.

Brilliant idea, brilliant execution (though the TV direction was pretty pointless), but what exactly is the point behind sticking a long spectacle number in the middle of a show that's too long as scheduled and ends up going over by an hour?

VH1 Classic is pretty cool. It's basically all classic music videos, all the time (hey, remember when MTV actually played music videos? Me neither), with no commercials.

Anyway...

So I'm watching it, brain turned off, and Madonna comes on. Singing a song called Material Girl. It's pretty amazing that people took this song seriously once. I guess that we didn't have a sense of humor back in 1984.

And speaking of a sense of humor, when did Madonna lose hers? She hasn't done anything fun or funny in years.

• Ikiru
  A dying bureaucrat tries to build a children's playground.
• In the Bleak Midwinter (aka A Midwinter's Tale)
  Unemployed actors attempt to put on an unorthodox production of Hamlet at Christmastime.
• La Passion de Jeanne d'Arc
  The trial and death of Joan of Arc.
• Le Samourai
  Conflicted, perfectionist hitman in 1960s Paris plans one last hit.
• Local Hero
  Texas oilman goes to Scotland to convince recalcitrant locals to sell out; arrives, finds that locals aren't recalcitrant at all.
• Runaway Train
  Either an extended metaphysical meditation on the nature of man, or a action flick about escaped convicts on a train. You decide.
• The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension
  Buckaroo Banzai is a neurosurgeon/rocket scientist/rock star/comic book hero who saves the world in his spare time. Starring Peter Weller, Jeff Goldblum, Ellen Barkin, John Lithgow and Christopher Lloyd before they became big stars.
• Tombes du Ciel (Lost in Transit)
  Man loses passport on flight; is forced to live in the international zone at the airport. Inspired by a true story.
• Trust
  A 16-year-old pregnant high-school dropout and a thirty-something sociopathic electronics genius who still lives with his father have nothing in common. Right? Right?
• Wings of Desire
  Angel falls in love, decides he wants to be human. Infinitely better than the Hollywood remake.